The last chapter in my weight loss.
This particular blog is a long time coming. I have wanted to make myself accountable to do this for a long time as well. For some reason the final few pounds that I have committed to losing have denied me. I have tried alot of the same tools that have helped me lose the 170 pounds before these. I remember how dedicated I was to losing those and for some reason these have a different feeling.
I often feel like I am scared to try, worried if I can do it or if its possible at all. So with these thoughts have come some of these as well ill start on monday, i can eat what I want I am racing, its just one more cheat meal, i am entitled to it, i am emotional today or my favorite I work really hard. But you know honestly these are all just shitty reasons. These are the same reasons why at the age of 30 i was 347 lbs smoker and alcoholic. These are the same reasons that many of us face when making changes in our lives. I have told these LIES to myself a hundred times. From eating, to drinking, drugs and everything else I have abused. Tomorrow will be the start.
So since November maybe longer I have been around the same weighs give or take a few pounds. I have been from 183-189 for probably 8 months or so. I lift weights 5x a week and run of course as much as I can. So i do feel like I have become stronger, leaner and more confident with myself. But everytime I have tried to transition to cut weight one more time I just cant stay committed long enough. It has been the most frustrating experience ever. It makes me so angry that I cant just do the right things on a daily basis that I truly madly want so bad. The worst part of all this is that this is destructive to myself to be in these cycles. I have had many of my greatest accomplishments in this same period as well. From running, to lift weights and personal achievements they are all in this same state. But you know everytime i look in the mirror I see great reminders of what being that big had done to me. At some point skin removal will probably be an option for me. I could live like this I assume but I HATE seeing the hard work I do be covered in the past. I HATE running and feeling like a have a pouch around me, the extra weight is annoying and reminds me more of what is left to do. And when I told Jose on that day i was going to lose 50% it was a joke. But its been the number since that day and it still stand there today.
So I am writing about my struggles to put it out into the public air. I want people who arent “big” to realize what this feels like. And I want people who are obese to realize that losing weight NEVER changes. It is the most difficult achievement I have ever done. This September will be 5 years for me in my losing weight path. I can remember the worst of days over these almost 5 years. From eating cheeseburgers at the drive through window, having to stop at every 2nd aisle to breath and to lifting my own legs into my car to drive. The physical pains of sores on my legs, chaffing all over and 6x shirts. You know when your known as BIG ROB its not for amusement purposes.
But you know those things seem pretty shitty looking back. But you know what i remember being bullied, made fun of my whole childhood. I can remember thoughts of suicide as a child, my parents mocking me and the humiliation as I grew up. When i see people in the gym or on the track that are bigger I am so overwhelmed with pride for them. I want to just go up to them and hug them. Tell them to keep fighting and never look back. Never go back to pushing emotions down, or hiding in their homes so they dont feel ridiculed or embarrassed.
I am happy to hear that people enjoy my story. I am happy that people think I inspire people. I would like to think that I am just beginning the part of my life where I get to give back to humanity. I have a wife that is patient with me more than I could ever imagine. Her understanding of Nutrition has been my greatest asset. I have leaned on her to guide me, teach me and enrich my life over this time. My friends and family have been so encouraging as well providing me with confidence, well wishes and great source of strength for me as well. And my running family what can I say. My love of running has helping transform this body every mile. I still look back and say I would have never bet on me.
So here we are. I am ready. I am tired of failing. Again. again. and again. I am tried of being 90% committed. I am exhausted with my own lies, deceptive tactics and negative thoughts. This is important. This is the last chapter in my weight loss book. I need to do this.
After a weekend of enjoying my lies I weighed in at 200.4 pounds. It is the heaviest I have been in 7 months. I would give you about 10 reasons why this has happened but this is the truth you remember.
I give you no lies. I did this. I weight this much and I am accountable for every pounds that inherits my body.
Well I am writing this at 9:30pm. Everyday I will post I what happened the day before on facebook. Every monday am I will tell you how the week went.
thank you all for this life I get to lead. from family, friends, runners and supporters my struggles are my own but inspiration is all around us. I will use your energy to fuel the monster.